So what makes you right? In relationships, we bring in our ideas about everything. Our partner does the same. Unfortunately some of those ideas are not the same. When this happens we have an issue. She thinks her idea is right and he thinks his idea is right. They both stand their ground and eventually the spirited conversation turns into anxiety, then ends up in an argument.

What makes our ideas right? Are they written on a tablet somewhere for all to read and obey? Are they in a bestselling book that most people follow? Well how about on the scribble board near your refrigerator? The answer is NO to all of these. They are in your head. Most of these ideas come from our parents in childhood. At an early age we are taught right from wrong. Over and over we hear our parent’s ideas. It kind of works the same way as Pavlov’s dog. Ringing the bell means there is food in the dish.  They become ingrained in our head. They are Statues of right and wrong.  Most of us look up to our parent and accept their ideas as the RIGHT ideas. We take their ideas and values for granted and we mold them into our ideas and values.

So the question is, “Are we right?” Well….Ya I am right. Maybe I am right. I am not quite sure. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe my parents were wrong. The truth is we are not sure. All we know is our core values and beliefs are under attack and we have our guard up defending the fort at all cost. We are now in a judging position. Our anxiety has us judging our partner.
So, what can we do? We can almost jump out of our bodies and watch this unfold as a play. We really don’t need to be there because they are not really our ideas. They are ideas from other people that have meshed their way into our mind and they are just coming out our mouth. What we need to do is sit there and observe, NOT  JUDGE.

Growing up as a child, I ate dinner every day at 5 o’clock on the nose.  My mother or grand mother always had a nutritious meal prepared for us. I just took for granted that this was the way every family did it. When I would stay over at friend’s homes, I would immediately judge them for not doing this. My wife, on the other hand NEVER was made dinner. She had to find something on her own or she did not eat. There were many nights she went to bed hungry because there was no food in the cabinets. She grew up thinking this was the norm. Jen and I have had many fights through the years on this. I would throw in digs at her about how wrong she was. That would really upset her. It was not till I understood her point of view when I came to appreciate her thoughts. I cannot say I still do not feel that anxiety well up in my chest sometimes, but as the time goes on, that anxiety gets less and less.

This is a tough one to fight. You have to be able to realize your feelings. When you feel that anxiety building up inside, you have to be able to back off and understand there is really no right or wrong answer. Now I know there is one of you in the crowd saying.  “What about something like murder?”  If your partner is thinking about killing someone, you may have made a slight error in picking the person you are with. You have to try to understand the other person’s point of view. The same is true for your partner. When you do this, you will find that you will start to mesh both of your believes and create new ones.